Modern dating hasn’t killed off the gentleman, but he is considered to be a rare find these days – an endangered species. The all-you-can-eat buffet of women in the form of modern dating apps have unfortunately revealed that men don’t actually need to be a gentleman to get the ladies anymore. Instead, a few right swipes will almost guarantee that he’ll find a woman lonely enough to accept poor treatment. Despite all of this, there is still such a thing as the gentlemanly type, and men of this caliber still exist.
The gentlemanly type is emotionally intelligent, respectful, thoughtful and accommodating. They genuinely want their woman to be happy, protected and well taken care of. They encourage their woman to make her own decisions, and they’re supportive of those decisions because they feel no need to hold power over her.
A man either is a gentleman or he isn’t. This cannot be taught. If he is a gentleman, it’s because it’s in his nature. This means that his gentlemanly consideration of your preferences and his thoughtful way of looking after your needs are simply second-nature, instinctual behaviors for him. You can’t teach a selfish, inconsiderate man how to be a gentleman, and even if you could, it’s not a job you’d want to volunteer for.
As the population of gentlemen dwindles, more and more women realize a gentleman is what they want. If your hope is to find yourself a man who is a gentleman through and through, then make sure to hold onto those standards, and don’t accept or settle for anything less. To ensure you don’t waste your time making excuses for the wrong men, I’m going to help you identify the signs that he’s incapable of being a gentleman. Below are 10 character flaws that prove he’ll never be the gentleman you deserve:
1. Controlling / Possessive
A controlling or demanding man is far from being the gentlemanly type. He’s much more likely to bark orders at you than bother asking you what your preferences are. A gentleman will give you autonomy and allow you to be your own person who makes her own decisions. In contrast, someone controlling will pressure you to do what he wants, often resorting to manipulation or threats to ensure you comply. Watch out, because the controlling type tends to also be very possessive. He wants to be able to tell you what to do. The difference, ladies, is that a gentleman only wants to be part of your life and is not interested in controlling it. While someone controlling wants to have you, someone gentlemanly wants to appreciate you. Often, the reason why someone is so controlling or possessive over you is because they have developed an obsession. Their obsession with you is given room to grow into dangerous territory if they don’t have much of a life of their own, apart from you. If they don’t have much in the form of friends or hobbies, there is potentially too much room for them to obsess over you and your decisions – and to interfere with your independence. It’s important to find someone who encourages you to have your own life and do your own thing sometimes, rather than being with someone who gets upset whenever you want to go somewhere without him.
2. Impatient / Irritable
If someone has the character flaw of irritability or lack of patience, know that they won’t ever be the gentleman you deserve and they’ll instead be repeat emotional offenders. A gentleman is cool, calm and collected while the less desirable contender is hotheaded, irritable and temperamental. I’ve dated a guy with a short fuse before, and I’d never do it again. A gentleman can tolerate a fair amount of annoyances without getting irritable. He can remain calm and easygoing, because he’s conscious of the fact that this is the best way to keep your experiences together positive. If he’s keeping the peace in the relationship, it doesn’t mean the relationship is without conflict – it just means he can handle conflict like a gentleman. Even if he’s annoyed that he has to cancel the Uber because you still aren’t ready, the gentleman is very good at hiding his frustration to avoid putting a damper on the evening. It requires maturity for a man to recognize that snapping at you is not worth killing the mood. Getting irritated is a buzz-kill that can ruin an entire evening, and he’s wise enough to shake it off. Women underestimate how important the quality of patience is, and we often fail to recognize that one of the biggest signs of immaturity in a man is his impatience. The man you want is one who is willing to wait or willing to take that 11th photo of you, even if it annoys him. If he gets highly irritable over taking some photos or having to cancel an Uber, what will happen when real problems present themselves? Will that irritability turn into hostility? Aggression? Violence? Don’t wait to find out.
3. Stubborn / Unaccommodating
Perhaps the worst character flaw of all is stubbornness. A stubborn man will always try to get you to do things his way, even if he could make you happy by doing things your way. If he’s stubborn, he will demonstrate selfishness and he won’t be the type to accommodate your needs or wishes. If he ever does accommodate you, he’ll be sure to make his reluctance painfully obvious. Does any of this sound like the traits of a gentleman to you? Of course not. A gentleman is kind enough to do something he doesn’t want to do, simply because it’s something you want to do. He’ll drive to a far-away restaurant in the mountains even though he hates long drives, all because you’ve said you’d like to try it out. He won’t act reluctant or irritated about it, and he might even enjoy himself because he can see that it’s making you happy. If seeing you happy is all it takes to make him happy, you’ve found yourself a gentleman.
A provocateur is someone who deliberately misbehaves, disrespects boundaries or provokes someone because they get satisfaction from pushing people’s buttons. They enjoy starting arguments and evoking strong reactions, and they share some of the same character traits as a sadist in that regard. Provocateurs are often immature and impish. They push boundaries and cross the line, and it’s often about power. By seeing that they can trigger such a strong reaction from you, they feel as though they have power over you. While gentlemen are naturally good at keeping the peace and positivity in their relationships, provocateurs are more likely to provoke, antagonize, agitate and infuriate you. Sometimes, the goal is to establish dominance or power over you. Other times, you’re being provoked because of the boredom that plagues his general existence. Either way, remember that a gentleman will bring out the best in you, but a provocateur will bring out the stress in you.
5. Lazy / Thoughtless
The reason why someone lazy can’t be a gentleman is because romantic gestures, thoughtfulness, and the arrangement of special dates all require effort. Simply put: Gentlemen put the effort in. That’s why their women stick around instead of getting fed up and leaving them. If a man is too lazy to plan a date, or too lazy to pick up those thoughtful “Congratulations!” flowers when their girlfriend gets a promotion, then they’re clearly not capable of being a gentleman. Instead, they’re thought of as self-centered, deadbeat boyfriends.
6. Nosy / Distrusting
The gentleman is rarely the investigator or the skeptic. Gentlemen tend to be more trusting and they give their partner more freedom and space. That means that if a man is always questioning you, distrusting of you or being nosey, he’s hardly a gentleman. If he’s all up in your business, always wanting to see your phone or accusatory and presumptuous in nature, he’ll never be the gentleman you deserve. You don’t want to be with someone who is intrusive and violates your privacy. You will never be happy dating someone who thinks it’s acceptable to pry into your life. If he’s prying then frankly, he needs to get a life.
If a man always shirks responsibility instead of owning his mistakes and can’t take responsibility for his actions, he’s probably a blame-shifter. He will always deliver an excuse or find someone (or something) to blame. The last thing he will do is own up to a mistake he has made. This type of man can never be a gentleman because he’ll never be capable of a sincere apology. Perhaps he’s trying to preserve his narcissistic image of perfection, or perhaps he has responsibility deficit disorder where being held accountable for his mistakes is not something he’s mature enough to handle. Blame-shifters are, in simple terms, bullshitters. Even if it is clear as day that they are in the wrong, they cannot admit fault or offer a sincere apology. It’s often due to a very unattractive superiority complex, or a serious lack of maturity. Either way, this character flaw is a huge red flag, and these men tend to be all about gaslighting the person they’re dating. Yes, it requires maturity and humility to take the blame, and typically it’s only the gentlemen who possess the level of maturity you’re looking for in a partner.
A gentleman won’t be the transactional type. If a man is keeping score, keeping tabs, or keeping a tally of what he’s done for you or every dollar he’s spent on you, show him the door. If he keeps bringing up past acts of service, gifts or ‘good deeds’ then he’s by no means a gentleman. Your relationship is not a series of transactions, and if he acts like it is, he’s not the one. The score keeper might think that he’s entitled to something – or he expects something – because of something ‘good’ he has done for you. This is not how chivalry works, and he should know this, but remember: being a gentleman cannot be taught.
9. Insensitive / Lack of Empathy
If a gentleman is the type of man who considers your feelings and your point of view, then his opposition is the man who completely disregards your feelings. Some men possess the major character flaw of being incapable of empathy. If a man has this character flaw, then he never puts himself in your shoes and he always puts his own feelings above yours. If he’s annoyed, then he doesn’t have the capacity to care that you’re upset. His feelings will always trump yours. If he says something that makes you cry, it barely phases him, because in his mind he is justified and no amount of tears can evoke any empathy from him. Meanwhile, a gentleman drops everything if he sees you cry. If he has unwittingly made you cry for any reason, all he wants to do is whatever it takes to stop the tears from falling down your face.
10. Inconsistent / Unreliable
If someone is notoriously inconsistent or unreliable in a relationship, it means they can’t be trusted or counted on. This type tends to be charming and full of promises in the beginning, but it ends up being false advertising. They were simply delivering the good guy lines they had memorized, but those words meant nothing. With true gentleman, it’s not all an act – they really are that stand up guy they seemed to be in the beginning. Their word is their bond. They’re honest and moral human beings. They follow through with what they say they’ll do, and they’re consistent with their affection. Someone inconsistent, however, might treat you well one day and treat you badly the next day. Someone like this will send sweet texts all day long on Thursday only to ghost you all weekend. Inconsistent and flakey behavior isn’t typical of gentlemen, so if a man demonstrates these traits, he definitely isn’t one.