If your dating life has you grumbling sentences that begin with, “I wish… “ or “I want….” you’re probably in the majority of women who write to me on my relationship advice forum and are dating, and want to be treated a certain way by their boyfriends — and yet aren’t being treated in that desired way.
The worst part is that many women are afraid to say what they really want, because they think they’re being unreasonable, politically incorrect or greedy. Or they’re worried they’ll scare their man away by expecting too much.
What women often dream about and don’t say is that they wish they were treated as if they were of more value to their man. They want to be put on a pedestal — but don’t want to say it out loud because the thought seems dated, immature or abrasive. It’s not irrational, though. We all want to be treated like a priority. We all want to be treated like we’re special, and nobody wants to be taken for granted.
Ladies, if you find yourselves holding back when it comes to expressing your needs and wants out of fear – get a grip. Wanting to be valued is a good idea! In fact, it’s better to be valued than to not be valued and wish you were or hope you will be. It’s better to speak up about what you want from your man rather than staying in dating purgatory.
So, how do you get in the rut where you’re dating someone and you feel undervalued and anxious? You’re not getting that long-term, monogamous, romantic relationship you want and don’t know what to do to feel better and on top of things? You’ll get a little monogamy — maybe for the week or the weekend — but then you’re not so sure about it. You’ll get a lot of attention when there’s sex involved, but then you won’t hear from him until the next time there’s a date with sex involved, or you won’t get a New Year’s Eve invitation from him until the week of the holiday, or worse, the day of.
Breathe. There’s a solution to all of this. First, start treating yourself like the girlfriend you want to be. (And if you’re a guy reading this — just invert the genders here. This theory works in all directions!) If you want to be asked out more than two hours prior to a date, then simply don’t accept dates that are invitations the day of. Lead by example! This takes discipline and you have to overcome your fear of not having that date at all.
These are bigger obstacles than you may imagine and they take energy to address, process and overcome — but it’s worth the energy. Second, If you want him to introduce you to his family and friends — great, but don’t you introduce him to yours, first. It will just make the discrepancy between what you want and what he’s not doing greater, if he lags in this arena. Instead, wait, watch and see if he does introduce you to family and friends. If he doesn’t, reconsider his feelings about you and the relationship — don’t try and leverage your introductions into matching behavior on his part. Just because you introduce him to your family and friends doesn’t mean he’s going to do the same. In fact, doing so won’t work, and you’ll just feel worse about things, and will have wasted time and energy trying to make him someone he’s not.
The big one is monogamy. As I explain to women who write to me on my free advice forum, if you want it with someone you’re dating, then don’t start practicing it before he does — instead, give him the opportunity to ask you for it. If you’re already telling him he’s the only one, then you’ve taken away the chase, and you’ve taken away his opportunity to ask you for something he wants. You’ve also taken away your ability to learn whether or not he wants it. Too many women jump into relationships unilaterally. They decide they want monogamy with a guy, so they start practicing it before they know if the guy they’re dating is only dating them or not, or if he is, if he wants monogamy or not. You don’t have to be a slut — and you don’t have to sleep with more than one person at a time, but simply playing the field and keeping your options open and active is smart because it makes you feel like you have options (because you do!) in case this doesn’t play out the way you want it to, and you don’t feel victimized and set back if you find out he’s just not that into you even though he’s sleeping with you. Don’t rub it in his face — this will certainly backfire, and it’s bad manners, anyway. It’s not classy. Just be discrete and be mysterious. The mystique is sexy and it’s enticing. Shhh…..
Fourth, fifth and foremost, rushing into a relationship is one of the biggest mistakes men and women make, and not getting to know the person you’re dating is another. If you can slow it down and pay attention instead of trying to push your own agenda, you’re going to feel a lot more powerful and you’re going to become more valuable. Once you realize your own value, you simply won’t settle for less than you deserve. Don’t believe me? Try it. I’m that confident you’ll find success and your own higher value.
For more insights from relationship expert April Masini, visit AskApril.com
The Babe Report’s founder is also the author of Aren’t You Glad You Read This? The Complete How-To Guide for Singles with a History of Failed Relationships Who Want their Next Relationship to Succeed, available for only $4.99 on Amazon and on iBooks here.