One of the best dating advice articles I’ve ever read is Mark Manson’s Fuck Yes or No. In it, he explains how important it is to not settle. Don’t let yourself suffer through any sort of ‘grey area’ in dating. Don’t stay in dating purgatory when you know someone isn’t the one.
In the article, Mark points outs the importance of moving along unless what you feel for that person is “fuck yes!” If you think you’re sort of into them, or you think it might work out – it’s an automatic NO. For some reason, when I read this article, I thought about the law of averages.
The law of averages, in my opinion, proves that the more people you date, the closer you’ll get to that coveted “fuck yes” relationship that Mark Manson idealizes in that viral article.
Maybe the biggest mistake we’re all making when it comes to dating is that we aren’t giving the law of averages a chance to work its magic. In other words, you’re not putting yourself out there enough – not by a mile. If you’ve been rejected a bunch of times, and you’ve developed a fear of rejection, you might be avoiding the dating world all together.
The law of averages indicates that the more “no”s you experience, the closer you’ll get to a “yes” (a “fuck yes”, rather.) It’s the magic of probability. In other words, the more dates you go on that don’t work out, the more people you’re not that into, and the more times you’re rejected – the closer you are to finding someone that it does work out with. More “fuck no”s or “no”s or “maybe”s lead to that glorious “fuck yes”.
If you don’t put yourself out there, you’ll remain far away from that “fuck yes”, though. Yes, it takes patience. Yes, it takes resilience. But most of all, it requires you getting up off your ass and getting out there. Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t going to come knocking on your door while you’re watching Stranger Things on Netflix, asking you if they can borrow a cup of sugar. Nobody does that anymore. Sorry, but you’ll actually have to go out, meet people, swipe right and be open to dating men who might not be your typical type. Just be open and out there, stop hiding, and it’ll happen.
It took me awhile to figure out how important the law of averages is in dating. There aren’t really any articles about this. I just sort of realized it on my own, after I noticed the law of averages helping me in other areas of my life.
For example, a few years ago I volunteered for MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) and that involved me going door-to-door in various neighborhoods asking people for donations. Some of the people who opened the door were friendly, some were unfriendly, and sometimes it was just the maid. I noticed a clear pattern, though. Every time I had gotten about ten “no”s – ten rejections – the next door I knocked on was almost always a “yes”. I started to get excited when I had been said “no” to a few times, because I could feel that “yes” coming – and it always did.
Even the other day when I was trying on lingerie, I had to try on about 10 things I hated before I tried on something I loved.
So it makes sense that the law of averages would work in dating, too. And once I realized that, it changed everything.
Many of us are guilty of cherry-picking when it comes to dating. We won’t agree to a date with just anyone, and when we’re matched with people on dating apps we’ll likely only set up a date with a small percentage of those matches.
Admit it: most of your Tinder matches lead nowhere, don’t they? You probably don’t set up a date with any of them – maybe one or two of them at the most.
Listen, you’ve got to stop doing this. Remember the magic of the law of averages. If you’re asked out by someone who you’re sort of interested in but who you’re not quite sure about, go on the date anyways. You can’t decide you don’t like them before you even meet them. It’s just one date and even if it’s a bad date, it could still be a blessing. If you only go on one date every 3 months, you’ll act much differently on that date than you would if it’s your 3rd date that month.
If you turn down the majority of your date opportunities, you’ll end up going on dates much more rarely – and therefore with less confidence, too much over-thinking, and a vibe of desperation. The law of averages implies that the more dates you go on, the more dating success you’ll achieve.
If that’s not enough of a reason to go on more dates, how about the fact that dating multiple people at once can actually help you keep your cool and not scare off a potential prospect? If you’re only dating one person and they aren’t showing you the amount of affection or attention you desire, you’ll stress over him or her way too much. You’ll over-analyze what they say, read into what they don’t say, and if they don’t text you back the anxiety can temporarily consume you. When you’ve got multiple people texting you because you’ve gone on plenty of dates, you won’t notice as much when one of them doesn’t show much interest. Until you meet Mr. or Mrs. Right, it’s perfectly fine to date multiple people at once.
When you date lots of people, your confidence sky-rockets, too. And confidence is sexy. If you’ve gone on a few dates this month and you have the interest of more than one person, your confidence will sky-rocket. Being more confident makes you more fun to go out with. A date with someone who is shy, quiet or closed-off isn’t as enjoyable compared to going out with someone who is really present, confident and funny. Remember the law of attraction and know that when you build up your own self-love and confidence, you’ll attract people with those same great qualities.
When you break a dating dry spell and start going on more and more dates, you start to feel comfortable on dates which makes them less nerve-wracking. Being ‘good’ at dating is a real thing, and like anything practice makes perfect.
Don’t forget, dating is fun! Even if there ends up being a lack of romantic chemistry, sometimes the date itself is still fun and entertaining (and will get you closer to that “yes” one day). Going on dates can be a great way to make new friends, too, since a mutual agreement of no romantic connection can sometimes turn into an unlikely friendship.
Remember that Mr. or Mrs. Right won’t fall into your lap. You have to get out there, date a bunch of the wrong people, and slay some dragons before you’ll find your prince (or princess). The “no”s do lead to a “fuck yes”, trust me. Just sitting there avoiding the dating scene, however, leads nowhere. At least now, you’ll realize that the “no”s are actually a good thing and can lead to something great one day.