Gentlemen, let me tell you something. The type of woman you want will not stand for the lazy courtship. A girl might – but I’m accrediting the mature and confident women who know what they want in a man. These are the women who are past the dating games, and they’re the ones who will make the best partners. When a man (not a boy) meets a special lady, he will most certainly care about her, and what it takes to keep her interested.

Many of the men of today’s generation firmly believe that chivalry and courting are old fashioned, unnecessary tactics of impressing the woman they desire. The result? They’re passive in their pursuit of a woman even when they’re smitten, and many women find dating difficult for this exact reason.

The sexy and aggressive alpha male has become a diamond in the rough, making way for the rise of the passive and lazy man, and the Lazy Courtship. This happens because women let men get away with it. Low self-esteem causes some women to settle for less, or as some suggest, becoming the new men – aggressively going after what they want in order to make up for the aggressiveness men are lacking.

Gentlemen: Whether you are looking for a special lady or have found one, how is your passive demeanor going to show her how special she is to you and more importantly, keep her around? Here are 6 reasons why women can’t stand passive men, or the lazy courtship:

1. Compatibility Requires Equal Effort


For a couple to be compatible, a mutual interest in progressing the relationship is required. That being said, equal effort must also be put forth, rather than one person simply being along for the ride.

In our generation women are noticing that men are becoming more and more passive, feeling less of a need to put effort into their pursuit. This is perhaps because of online dating apps offering many other options.

If a woman is initiating without an equal amount of initiative and effort on her man’s part, she will begin to feel that she is pursuing him, and women can’t stand that feeling.

Equal effort is especially important during the beginning stages of a relationship, when a woman is relying on momentum and natural progression.

2. Women still want Men to Take Initiative and Take the Lead

It may seem old fashioned, but women are turned on by a man who takes the lead – or at least take notice of him. Women inherently love to be pursued.

Going back to our parent’s generation, it was often expected of men to take the lead. In 2014, men believe women should take the lead sometimes too.

The only problem with this mentality is that women still to this day love it when a man takes the lead and pursues them. There’s no denying that women are attracted to men who make the plans, and make statements instead of asking questions. Men should try a more direct and bold approach, and be more forward by saying “Would you like to go out for a drink tonight around 7?” rather than the passive, “Hey, what are you up to?”

3. A Woman is a Reflection of her Man

When a woman is being treated well by her man, and her man is putting effort in to show her how special she is to him, it is reflected in this woman’s general aura. A woman who is being treated well by her man has a glow about her. She is happy, passionate, driven and ambitious. She is a reflection of her man.

If a woman has a man in her life who is lazy, passive, and doesn’t care enough to put in any real effort, this woman’s self-esteem and self-respect gets damaged. Putting forth effort (even in very small but consistent ways) makes a world of difference in any relationship.

4. Women know that Men don’t Respect anything Easily Attained

It’s a catch-22. Many modern men don’t feel the need to put in effort when it comes to pursuing the woman they want. However, they also don’t respect a woman who’s easily attained.

If a woman feels a connection with a man, and is willing to look past his frustratingly lazy courtship, the man will wonder why his lazy courtship worked. He may even subconsciously lose interest because it was too easy. It is a lose-lose situation. The win-win? Women need to have more self-respect and not settle for less than they deserve, while men could definitely step it up a little to show that they value how special their woman is. Knowing that a man does not respect anything easily attained can sometimes guard women from taking initiative themselves.

5. Modern Women still Melt for Chivalry

Why is chivalry practically dead? Most likely because these days, a cute text message can be considered romantic, and even though women really appreciate cute texts, texting is easy – and lazy. It’s also a way for a man to effortlessly create the false intimacy needed in order to keep women on the hook and string them along.

If his way of telling you he likes you or misses you is via text message, and he’s not making plans to see you, or calling you, or really proving it, then he is the type of man who will probably break up with you via text message too. This man is winning! He gets to have you when he wants you, and all he had to do was move his thumbs for a few seconds. Real chivalry looks a lot different than this, and women still crave it. Chivalry is important in order for a woman to feel like she matters to her man, so guys, plan a cute date night every once in awhile!

6. A Woman measures her value to you in the amount of Effort you put forth

From a man’s perspective, he might think it’s awesome that his passive pursuit works. These men, however, are usually only hooking women with low self-esteem and low self-respect who don’t think they deserve much more than what they’re getting out of their man. I mentioned how texting is an example of a man’s lazy courtship as it can help create false intimacy.

Real intimacy comes in different forms, and if a man doesn’t care about his woman that much, it will show in the minimal effort put forth – and a woman will realize she must not be that valuable to him. If she’s a good woman and worth it, some effort should be put forth on the man’s part. Go and see her if she’s sick instead of texting “feel better soon”, and call her on Wednesday to ask her out Saturday night instead of passively waiting until the weekend rolls around. Even small efforts like this can make an incredible difference, so if you find a woman who is worth it, don’t hold back – and don’t be lazy.

Erica Gordon is the author of the popular new dating advice book Aren’t You Glad You Read This? The Complete How-To Guide for Singles with a History of Failed Relationships Who Want their Next Relationship to Succeed, available for only $4.99 on Amazon, iBooks and on PDF here.


26 Responses

  1. arseniybashirov@gmail.com'
    Ace

    I just want to bring something to your attention. Men are passive because we have been TAUGHT by women that we should not pursue. Yes, if there is that special someone with real chemistry, a genuine interest, passion, she deserves to be pursued, but women need to show the man that she likes him too. Women need to reciprocate. If women don’t reciprocate they lose their place in the courtship. The man backs off because his efforts aren’t rewarded. After being rejected in this type of way it’s no surprise that men put in less effort. Women do not reciprocate. I have made a pact with myself that whatever woman reciprocates my intense passion and desire for her I will spend the rest of my life with her, and ONLY her. It’s not just millennial men that are the problem it’s also millennial women. Women that just go out for an ego boost. Some women are so jaded that when you try to love them they push you away out of spite. She wants to punish you for the crime of every past man in her life. So why are men so passive? Our society is filled with sexual stimulation not to mention countless amounts of pornography. Men can’t even get an erection when they are with a beautiful woman because they are accustomed to something that isn’t real. Young men are showing up with ED. Healthy young men. You can easily Google this. They are passive because they would rather jack off than risk having to go through the potential pain of pursing a woman worthy of that pursuit. I know this because I was one of those men. I have my drive back now. So why not let your female readers know that they need to put in just as much effort in because guys have issues they are dealing with too. Let the women know that they need to be sensitive, real, and that most importantly they need to RECIPROCATE.

    Reply
    • Ramboamy86@gmail.com'
      Rachel

      I reciprocate my interest all the time and yet Im still met with lackadaisical efforts. I tell men that I like them, that I think they are attractive, that I appreciate them. I am very straightforward with that because I’m a direct woman. Yet somehow, I meet men who still treat me poorly but tell me I’m wrong for feeling that way. The last guy I was dating flipped out because I wanted him to make plans in advance instead of always at the last minute. Somehow he treated my request like it was unreasonable. Basically told me that I wasn’t accepting him for who he was and we broke up. That was literally the ONLY thing I wanted from him!! Everything else about us was great. It is shocking that stuff like respecting someone’s time by planning dates in advance is too much to ask. My friend said she once told a guy that she wanted to feel special and he told her that’s not his job because that’s supposed to come from within herself. Ridiculous!!!! Men don’t know how to love and value women anymore. They have not only become lazy but they are easily scared off. Sending too many texts one day and you’re history. Have a bad day where you’re being moody and you’re cut off. I don’t know why the world is so lazy. Men forget that we are human and not perfect. No one believes in trying anymore. I hate it so much and I cry all the time about this. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to meet a man who tries. I’m tired of not going on real dates, tired of men who are too busy, tired of men who are always confused, tired of men who are dating multiple women and make you feel like an option or like you’re not good enough, tired of the “wass up” texts late at night. When women are treated well, we treat men well. The issue lies in men not wanting to make decisions. He’s unable to make you a priority because it requires him being decisive and making an effort. I want to give up completely! It’s too hard and yes, it’s ripping my self esteem to pieces.

      Reply
      • gpsgps704@outlook.com'
        Don

        The reality is that men have learned that women are always changing and men don’t like it. We men are simple compared to women. We don’t like change. We don’t like women that one day want “X” and two days later decide they want “Q”! You tell us you want “X” and that’s it. No changing your mind constantly!

        Then there is the entire “Equally/Feminism. Many of us men want women to be treated equally. Equal pay, equal job opportunities. Equal treatment. But it’s another “Catch 22” for us men. Women want men to chase, beg and pay. Women want us to pick the events and places but then get nasty with us as the dating phase develops. “No man is going to tell me what to do!”.

        We men have our faults in women’s eyes and we have accepted that. This is another of the many reasons we are increasingly not caring and walking away. We don’t want to change. We don’t want to chase and look like idiots any longer. Sure, there are still some men out there that will jump through hoops to impress but I’m betting with each passing day fewer and fewer are out there that will play the game.

        Not bitter. Loving life and work. Always busy and productive without having to get permission from a woman nor the backlash from a woman for doing what I want to do. I treat all my friends the same regardless of whether they are woman or men.

      • j1573451@mvrht.com'
        John

        Damn straight!

        Send too many texts and you are history. Communication needs to have a point!

        It is your job to make yourself feel special. If you don’t think you’re special, nothing anyone else does will matter. Not that you won’t insist we keep trying.

        Act moody and you are cut off, pronto! If I did something to you, speak up and I’ll own up and apologize. If you’re mad about something completely unrelated to me (usually the case), you have NO RIGHT to take that out on me! Who do you think you are, projecting your moods all over the place and trying to make everyone else miserable!?

        And if I’m too busy or not taking you on ‘real’ dates, that means I don’t like you. So move on. It happens. Don’t tell me you like every guy you’ve ever met. It works both ways, sweetheart.

        I will never send you a “wassup” text or a dick pic. Feel free to dump any ‘man’ who does.

        If you let anyone or anything “rip your self esteem to pieces”, you are not ready and not strong enough to be in a relationship. Take some time away from us (please?) and work on yourself.

        I’ve given you some good advice here. Try it. If you don’t try it, I don’t want to hear your complaints. Or would you rather be a complaining victim? It seems most women are.

    • balasumanth04@gmail.com'
      sumanth

      10000000000000000000000 % true.

      men need to pursue woman

      but woman should realize that even men want to be pursued which him feel he is worthy desirsble atractive sexy ego boost nd loved.

      god. lol. every women say he is not pursuing me. i dont understand who will pursue a man. other woman or other gay man?

      brother. what ever you say and how much you shout about male desire to be pursued. women are women. they dont reciprocate. they think they are beautiful and men should pursue them to feel more beaitiful. but who will pursue man and make him feel beautiful. no woman.

      yes bro. women dont reciprocate. they are not much interested in making us feel beautiful and sexy by pursuing us but expect from us.

      you know what it is. it is woman.

      Reply
    • Ddillon_m@yahoo.com'
      Dillon Mall

      Ace hit the nail on the head. This article says in bold lettering that a relationship is created with equal effort.
      A very egalitarian and reasonable statement.
      It then goes on to say men need to take the lead. Men need to invest their effort. Men need to be old fashioned, put themselves out there. Pay for dinner, ask her out, give a care.
      Reciprocity is the word ladies. No man with self respect jumps through hoops and puts himself out there for women after women to find the right one. The thing women don’t seem to understand is that when you put yourself out there and take all the risks you will get rejected, and used, and ignored. It takes many attempts and failures to find someone you click with. It’s a process. That’s dating. It takes patience and time. But, women want it all done for them. They want men to work for them. Jump through hoops for them. Imagine you are the old fashioned chivalrous gentleman and attempt to create a relationship with 1,000 different women (that’s a lot of time and effort to find your one girl). But, things just don’t work out. You don’t like them, they don’t like you. Whatever, you keep a good attitude and just keep investing all the effort to cater to what women want, and, you finally find her. You both like each other. After you’ve put in all the effort to establish the relationship, who will have to maintain the relationship? Who will have to cater to the needs of a spoiled girl? She clearly didn’t care in the first place. That’s why it was so much work to find her. She wanted it done for her. And now in the relationship she still wants it done for her. To assume anything different would be foolish.
      Reciprocation is a rare and beautiful thing. “Old fashioned” is girl code for entitled.

      Reply
  2. Kingbenut30@outlook.com'
    M

    its not all true, I was seeing a women and she was ill with flu so I text her to see how she was, she told me she was dreadful so after work I went to see her with flowers and some food as she was too ill to make herself anything, we cuddled on sofa and I thought I did a good job of cheering her up and scoring some brownie points, that’s last I ever saw her in person, she text me a week later and said you’re too needy and I dont want to continue with us anymore. so these days i don’t bother now I’ve had a few relationships since, 1 was serious but I left her after we lost our baby because it became too much work to even make an effort with her…

    Reply
    • shtedken@aol.com'
      Jim

      Agreed. Expressing my interest in a woman has NEVER worked for me. Over the years, all the ones I asked out or even flirted with almost always rejected me. The only times anything has ever worked romantically has been when the woman made the first move (i.e., said “hey – we should get together some time”, gave me her phone number, her email, etc.) or when she showed more interest in me than I showed in her.

      This article was written by a woman who apparently isn’t aware that women like a challenge.

      The last woman I made any kind of effort with lost interest in me the moment I showed real interest in her. We had been flirting, chatting (a lot!), and spending time together for several weeks. Things really seemed to be progressing (I have the text messages to prove it). I made an effort to come see her, often at my own inconvenience, even when she was recovering from surgery.

      I bought us dinner, supported her emotionally, went out of my way to spend time with her, even brought her flowers. What happened? She had me come all the way uptown to see her on a Friday night just to friendzone me. As if that wasn’t enough, she spent the evening ignoring me while talking to a whole bunch of other guys. Even after that night, I tried to show her I truly cared, and where did that get me? Her ultimately crying to me about some other guy she suddenly decided that she liked and who was repeatedly ignoring her. She even tried to get me to help her gain his interest.

      By the way, this “girl” was 31 years old at the time. I’d thought women behaved better than that.

      Women think they want to be courted, but only if the guy looks like Ryan Reynolds. What they really want is a guy whom they think has other options and whom they feel the need to impress. They need to feel they have to work a bit, both to catch and keep a guy’s attention, otherwise they lose interest.

      If you’re at best just-above-average looking, you’ll always reduce your worth in her eyes the more effort you seem to be making. If the woman decides that she likes you (you have a fantastic wit, you’re very accomplished, you make her smile), let her pursue.

      Reply
  3. aceiotasirrah@gmail.com'
    iota

    I agree with Ace.
    However women need to stop acting like the man and woman in relationship. This can go for both a male or female: sometimes you got to tell your person that it isn’t acceptable. You aren’t going to do this, or that. Especially if they are starting to go ‘lazy’ on you (man or woman, doesn’t matter). If they are starting to go lazy on you, you better hit it back up.

    Me as a woman, I want to be a wife type once married so I think it’s okay for the man to court (to be the ‘support’) similar to how it used to be done in the past; for example the man did everything for the potential mate.
    Because once married I will be the support instead (do everything for the man). In the past man wooed woman and sometimes a woman wooed a man; now it’s nothing, just a mess.

    Sometimes you just can’t let your woman or man get away with they are doing. So be firm and communicate with maturity what you don’t like.

    Reply
    • gpsgps704@outlook.com'
      Don

      Very few men want a stay at home woman. It’s expensive and everyone needs to work to stay caught up with financial responsibility. Women without a job, no date from me. Likewise if I didn’t have a job, I wouldn’t expect a woman to date me. 21st Century here, not the 1950s.

      Reply
  4. traedos@yahoo.com'
    Matt

    I refuse to put in effort because I have yet to meet a woman that puts in the same amount of effort. From Day 1 I do all of the work, and I’m tired of it. From online dating to the bar scene, women think it acceptable to just sit back and be courted. Well fuck you, it’s not worth it. It’s not worth the effort and it’s not worth the time and it’s not worth the money. I can pay $3-500 to an escort who will pretend to be interested in everything I am saying and then let me fuck her without all the fucking loops, and you know what? It’s still cheaper than trying to find a girl on the dating scene.

    So no, I won’t be putting in the effort. I’ll just continue to fill the role of sugar daddy and the occasional escort. I’m done wasting my time with petty women who think the world needs to cater to them. Fuck you.

    Reply
    • l.baxten@yahoo.com'
      leonard

      Matt – Don’t you know that men are natural hunters ( wait, let me go chase down some raw meat) and just LOVE a good chase? Did you not know that? The men do the work and te women do nothing. Now where do I sign up?

      Reply
  5. d.lawrentis@courts.phila.gov'
    Dave

    Wow! What a wonderful double standard! What if me judged women by the effort that THEY put in the dating game? Oh, we couldn’t have that!

    Reply
  6. brianbrown1983@yahoo.com'
    bongstar420

    Its not worth it….sorry ladies.

    Too much work just for an orgasm.

    We have friends for companionship

    Reply
    • cjcjcjcj7c@gmail.com'
      JC mancoff

      Fuck you
      These guys are right, I was a moron who did the dating bullshit and American women are dysfunctional damaged animals. Especially women over 32. Just use them for sex and lie to them. Believe me, these whores have lied to millions of good men. Stop demonizing men, there is a myriad of slutbags in this country who whine they are not being courted which is bitchspeak for buy me stuff because I am cheap and lazy. Bang and drop them like french class as the say

      Reply
  7. mariscasti24@gmail.com'
    Hardwork

    I find that both men & women MUST both put an effort in the relationship otherwise it will never work. With that being said Lazy Courtship occurs because when a man thinks he’s got the girl the work seems to end there when it never should. The only time cute texting is a bit more acceptable is when your in a distance relationship and even then there’s love poems, cards & lots of creative ideas you can do which you can find on Pinterest to continue to show her how much she means to you. I never could understand why its so difficult for men to make Plan in advance for a special or even a non special evening. When a man leaves things to the last minute it shows the “little” effort that was put in and how little you care about the event and her. Show her you care not just “tell” her. I have always & will continue to reciprocate to the end even if it means one of my reasons for the breakup. I cannot and will never out up with a man who is lazy in courting me. I know what I am worth and know what I put into the relationship to settle for anything less.

    Reply
    • l.danforth@gmail.com'
      leonard

      I think that you care, and I believe that we, as men, all care.The sad part is that there is some kind of game to be played here , and you better be REALLY good at manipulation and fooling people in order to play it.

      Reply
    • a.stanz@gmail.com'
      arthur

      I think that we all care! It is just a shame that all these women believe that we are in some second class citizenship for not wanting to be treated this way. We looked forward to being good dads and good husbands -to be like our own dads – but the “dating” rules are really strange and you damn well better know what you are doing, or you MUST be punished for it. Shame!

      Reply
  8. i432146@mvrht.com'
    John

    Well if you can’t stand lazy courtship, you probably won’t like “no courtship” either. And that’s where we are. A relationship with a woman adds nothing but misery to a man’s life. So many men have dropped out of the dating and courtship game. Now you consider this a problem, but we don’t. So don’t expect our help, or expect us to change our decision to boycott women. You women will have to demonstrate that you have some value to us. It will be difficult, because men are finding out how awesome freedom is.

    Reply
  9. e.whalen@gmail.com'
    ennis

    Eric- I think that we ALL care, but we are all just trying to get a fair shake by dumping these horrible double standards that reduce men to chasing cars down the street, like dogs, as if the man has to somehow “earn” her love. I think that we are seeing this change!

    Reply
  10. ejr924@gmail.com'
    JEB

    It seems nowadays women want the man to have everything together. Job, money, clothes, cars etc. I have yet to meet any woman that is willing to build something, anything with their man. Be it relationship, business, a fuckin backyard deck…. women want the man to provide and do all. I refuse to work hard everyday so I can give it to someone that’s supposed to be my partner or teammate and they contribute nothing.

    Reply
  11. elldrichgrizelda@gmail.com'
    Dollie

    I was dump by my boy friend for 2years and in a search to get him back, I came across different spell caster and they were all unable to bring him back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when a friend got to know what i was passing through and introduced me to this spell caster called DR STANLEY who helped me get my Boyfriend back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldn’t believe it will happen like this. I have been living happily with my boyfriend now and we will be getting married soon. Here is his contact if you need his help. drstanleyspelltemple@hotmail.com.

    Reply

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